My curiosity and great interest in applied behavioral psychology often leads me to think about our social ways, our efforts to be happy at work, socially and in life in general.
We want to find acceptance amongst our friends and peers. And I’ve seen this can lead to a “people pleasing” component in one’s behavior where one is anxious to make sure she/he does things that others WILL like and then anticipate their acceptance. . It depends on mental circumstances and also the people one is with. If I am meeting some high profile executives or some celebrity I might see more of that.
But what I’ve realized is that it’s pretty much a double edged curse. First of all it leads to blocking of your true personality, the true person you are. Now I don’t mean if you are a jerk you act like a jerk. Or that you need not act in socially acceptable or graceful ways. What I’ve realized is that your behavior needs to come from your values, not from the need to find acceptance from others. If I speak kindly to my peer, it’s because I value kindness and I have integrated that value system as part of me. I do not just pretend to be kind so that the other person thinks well of me, and then when I go back home , I’m back to my usual crappy ways. In short, your behavior and actions need to stem from a value system that you own, and need to be inspired from within, not without.
Secondly, being a people pleaser can put you on a mental roller-coaster. Simply put, people change a lot. Your own friends that you endear can sometimes be unforgiving, indifferent or plain assholes, or even if not, you may perceive it as such. Anticipating people’s acceptance and then not getting it can make you a slave of their feelings – robbing you of your true life, but instead just putting you at mercy of others. You have no idea how many people I know who fall in this category. And the degree can vary. I have fallen in this category every once in a while. Though I am cutting down on it.
Some more examples for clarification: You are friendly because that’s what you are. You like the feeling and the relationship of friendship and exhibit it from your own value system. You are kind to the homeless on the street or respectful to your subordinates, because that’s what you are. All this requires of course a strong value system in the first place. Without that, its gonna be a like a rudderless boat, swayed by others’ moods and emotions.
How can we develop and become that value system ? Hmmm, something to think about….
